I had every intention of honoring and celebrating 55 years of life. But alas my little self was not participating in that plan. The closer my birthday got the more split I became – half of me was living in the moment – in awe, and then there was ME – prepping for a pity party – “I’m not with my family, why am I in the desert? What was I thinking when I left New York? There is no one around to tell me I matter to them, I”m lonely, I hate my apartment, I can’t find my perfect job, I have no snow, I have no beloved and I know exactly why – because I am unloveable, ad nauseum. At one point in my pity party I decided my single status could be changed if I had the right shoes. It gets worse, I did not deserve to spend money for said bodacious shoes because I am unloveable and how do I know this? because I am not loving myself right now. Sure it sounds inane and insane when put down in print. But the ego, or at least mine can very easily derail my most sacred thoughts and intentions if I am not vigilant of my thinking and proactive in my actions. In retrospect I now understand I got scared – Celebrating my birthday as I had initially envisioned it required stepping out of my comfort zone, being very uncomfortable about inviting friends and acquaintances to help me celebrate and experience the blessings of my life. Instead I slowly stopped my daily practices, those practices that keep me in the present and in a place of joyous gratitude. I allowed myself to pick up thought forms that were not to my highest and best. I started blaming external forces for my attitude. I got real sensitive, my feelings got easily hurt. My faith in my place wavered. I had a tenuous hold to my core truths of Love and Light.
It is said that even in strife and tormoil there is a blessing. For me, the blessings are numerous: In the past would not have understood It was only my thoughts and feelings that were getting me in the way of my blessings. In the past I would have crammed down the negative feelings with food. I would have complained to anyone who would listen, because it was NEVER EVER my fault. I would not have recognized it is absolutely OK to feel the feelings. In allowing myself to just feel them and not judge them I was able to pass through them and return to my true self.
So when did Rehecca, beam of Love and light return? Yesterday, the day after my birthday. I woke up still begrudging my existence, pissed off I had to go into work at my NOT PERFECT JOB with My NOT PERFECT HOURS and NOT PERFECT COMPENSATION. I was lying in my bed trying to decide if I should just give in to an escapist nap or maybe get over my self, clear the mental cobwebs and reignite my inner light. As I was lying there I had this vision of me standing over a big bucket of thoughts. I saw myself bending over to pick out my thoughts from the infinite well of thoughts. I could see what I had been doing over the past several weeks-picking up familiar thought forms “I can’t write, who would want to read what I have to say, I’ll never obtain the job I want, I’m undeserving. I’m unloveable, I don’t fit, I’m ugly, I’m overweight, I have wide feet so I’ll never find pretty shoes to flit around in, I’m anxious, I’m obsessive, I sabatoge myself, my mother was right, I’m fucked up ‘Rebecca you are my smartest child, but you are so fucked up.” I had been battling myself and that was the moment I knew I could just stop it and choose my thoughts better. If I was going to choose thoughts I want to make sure that I want the thoughts that glam on or hitchhike onto the core thughts. As you see above, it initally may have started out with a small doubt but it picked up hitchhikers and grew expotentially. It was the growth of those thoughts that gave them power to exhaust me. For there is energy in our thoughts. Negative thoughts are denser and vibrate at a lower fregency, i.e. they weighted me down.
My Affirmation/Prayer for attracting Love
God is Love,Omnipresent, Omnipotent and eternal. Love is throughout and within all. God breathes life, God is life. God is the breath I breathe.
As God is Love I am of God’s consciousness: the consciousness of Love, Infinite, Encompassing, Creative and Receptive. As God is the Infinite power back of all things, I as an expression of God have infinite power and am the driving force back of all things. God, the Infinite provider of all life, lives and moves and has its Being as me. It is the essence of who and what I am. I am made in the image and likeness of the Divine and at the core of my being is a Divine Blueprint of perfection. I am one with the Whole and the Power of Creation is my Power. This is the Truth of who I am – always has been, always will be. This is not only my Truth, but is the truth of everyone and everything under God’s Domain.
Invoking God and the Archangels: Michael(“He who is like God) and Raphael(God Heals) I Rebecca now speak my word. I accept that anything blocking me from seeing and knowing the Spiritual Truth of Love is now dissolved in all directions of time. I am grounded, surrounded and infused in Love. Love, so abundant and unlimited flows out of me and in to me. . Only Love is drawn to me, and only Love vibrates out of me. God’s Divine Blueprint of Love; Sacred and Holy is infused in my consciousness. In the infinity of life all is Whole, Perfect and Complete. God as Expressed in me is the Consciousness of Love. I deny and release any thoughts of separation from my source in all directions of time. I deny and release any thoughts of otherness from my source in all directions of time.
With deep and abiding gratitude I accept this prayer as already fulfilled. . With a joyful and thankful heart I accept and know I Embody the Consciousness of Love. , And now I release my prayer into the action of the Law, which I know can only say YES to my words of profound and complete faith. It is done and so very Good. I let go and I trust. And So It Is.